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So much can change in a few years. It’s striking looking back at where I was at the start of this blog and where I am now. One of the most profound things in my entire life has happened in the past three years, but few know about it. I certainly wasn’t going to blog about it.

Why?

Because since discovering that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, I’ve also discovered a world of misunderstanding and misinformation about mental illness. It’s true what they say, people fear what they don’t understand. 

So today, on D.I.D. Awareness Day, I thought I would try to spread some understanding and help lessen the stigma behind this disorder.

I’ll start with dissociation. Everyone dissociates, though we don’t usually know that’s what it’s called. Have you ever been driving somewhere you go frequently, and when you get there you find you don’t remember the drive at all? That’s dissociation. In most people, it’s like the brain’s low power mode. The conscious mind has more important things to be tending to and kind of checks out. It’s a totally normal thing that happens to everyone.

Follow me for this next bit, I promise it ties in…

The current theory of consciousness says until a certain age we all experience a fragmented consciousness. This is why a toddler can be having a melt down one minute and be completely happy the next. The brain tends to coalesce the stream of consciousness between the ages of four and nine.

However, if a child experiences repeated trauma (of any kind, including medical) before the brain has coalesced the experience of consciousness, it can separate out the part that experienced the trauma. It dissociates it from the whole. “This didn’t happen to me.” Frequently, this is done by putting an amnesic wall in place so the rest of the child can continue having a fairly normal life with no awareness or memory of the part of itself that experiences trauma.

This is a survival mechanism and a good one. Once the brain knows this handy trick, it continues to use it in times of future trauma.

As the child grows, the parts of them that experienced trauma and the parts that didn’t continue to grow separate from each other. Their experiences inform their thoughts about the world and how they interact with it. Some times, parts stay in the age and mindset they were when they experienced the trauma.

When a person reaches a place of physical and emotional safety, the brain often allows these parts to meet each other again. Other times, a new trauma can bring a part long buried back to the surface to deal with it.

This used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder. The name was changed, in part, because this is not a personality disorder like narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder. It’s not a personality disorder at all but rather a neurodivergence. It is the experience of consciousness that did not coalesce into a single stream. 

You would think it would be obvious, right?

This chick’s clearly got multiple personalities, but it’s not obvious. Since it is a survival mechanism, it’s presentation is often covert, but that doesn’t mean it’s rare. D.I.D affects about 1% of the population. That’s a common as natural redheads. Which means you’ve definitely met someone who has it, and they seemed like a normal person…because this disorder doesn’t make us that much different from you. 

If that’s true, then why don’t I hear more about it?

Simply put, the stigma around the disorder is massive. If people know of it at all, they usually know of it from media like the movie Split that makes the people with this disorder out to be monsters. Statistically, people with D.I.D. are no more likely to be violent than anyone else, but we are more frequently the victims of violence. And even if a person can get past the stigma, it’s often the case that they are bewildered with how to react or treat this person who now seems so radically different.

In the end, it’s just easier to stay silent about it.

Easier doesn’t mean better though. It’s hard to have an authentic relationship with someone if you can’t tell them a huge chunk of your life. And it’s hard to change the view of society if you stay hidden. 

So, for all the world, and the few readers who will stumble upon this blog…this is me.